Where is Frank?

Every once in a great while, there is something that I want to say, and I don't think it fits on the main site. Things that are of a sort of personal nature. Things that I am fairly sure no one but me will ever read.

Some may have noticed, I have disappeared lately. I can't really begin to make excuses for that.

There is a certain mental state I need to be in to be creative, and to write in general. That is a mental state that I have found it increasingly hard to be in of late.

I struggle on an almost constant basis with depression. Day to day life is a struggle, where I often find myself pondering whether or not continued existence is a viable concept. More often than not, I spend the start of my day, just reminding myself reasons why I don't just end it, and let the pain and empty feelings go. There are times when this fight becomes nearly unbearable, and I will admit, there have been more than a few times in the last 6 months where I held the blade to my wrist, and hoped for the strength to just.... push harder.

What does this have to do with my absence?

Well... I haven't been in an institution, but I have a horrible tendency to put the weight of the world on my shoulders. Despite my resolution to not let running this site bring me down, it did, and it hit hard. In December, I nearly shut it down, because I just couldn't keep running this by myself. I wanted to provide quality content, and my desire to try and provide that on a consistent basis left me... drained. I invested too much into this site emotionally, and psychologically. I suppose, in its own way, this site was acting as the dam to keep back the bad thoughts. When it became clear that this site had become just me throwing words at the wall, the dam burst, and I ended up in one of the darkest places I've been in a long while. So yeah... It has been a tough couple months for me.

In all honesty, it is looking like the next couple months will be hard as well. I can't say I'm back, and I can't promise frequency, but I will do what I can when I can fight back the emptiness inside.

-Frank